Luna TailAnxiety, Dogs, and Life

Well this morning I gave a training class at work. I have to admit, it makes me feel responsible. Like I’m getting something done. And I will admit, too, that I’m rather proud of myself. There were ten people in the class, and I was only a little nervous.

A couple of years ago, and before the Zoloft, I would have been a wreck. Thank the gods for drugs.

And I also know the subject matter a lot more than I did just a year ago. Which definitely helps me. I didn’t even have to go in overly prepared like I did the first time I gave the training. I’m a programmer, not an accountant… so I ask the accountants, the students, what they want, and I can, pretty much, put something together.

So yup, I feel responsible, mature, and proud of myself that I can give a training class. Really, I never thought I’d be able to.

I’m going to Colorado tomorrow morning, too, so this might be my last post for the weekend. No Hilton Head rental for me, though, I’m staying at the cheap Motel in Colorado to do dog agility!

One thing that causes me no end of anxiety, and happens almost on an hourly basis for me, is the thought of having to do something.

I must balance my check book. I must meet people to get a new collie into rescue, I must put the dishes away, I must wash my clothes.

Yes, the anxiety rears it’s ugly head even for simple things like washing my stupid clothes. I think I wrote in another post about how my anxiety is like the Red Knight in the Fisher King. Or a Red Demon, in my case. It is in the center of my chest, and locks me down so that I don’t want to do what I think I must.

It applies to my job, too. But what applies more so to my job is when I don’t know something, and I’m afraid that I’m going to get yelled at, or much worse, fired, for not knowing something. Have I ever been yelled at for that at work? No. But I was when I was younger. At least I think so. I always feel like I should Know More Than I Do. Or I’ll get punished in some way.

I have a secret to tell, but I actually feel really odd about saying something on my blog that even my own family doesn’t know about. I don’t talk much to my family. Except my sister. I love talking to my sister. But it’s hard for me to really talk to my Mom and Dad. I wish it was easier.

Do you consider yourself reliable?

I worry about being reliable. One of the things that causes me anxiety. I’m very paranoid that people will think I’m unreliable. And lots of times I am unreliable. Often when I’m in the depths of anxiety, or else when I’m having major PMS. Or other times when I’m just tired.

I really do try to call people back, meet deadlines, do what I say I’m going to do, and things like that. In dog rescue, most people are reliable. However, many many rescue people are busy. Very busy. Hard to get in touch with, and hard to meet up with. I want to try my best to be available.

Sometimes I’m not. Last weekend I was at agility, and then I was very tired, and so I was not really available, nor was I reliable. But I was able to call back everyone I needed to yesterday. And so I think I’m okay.

But really, maybe I should stop beating myself up for it. Who cares if I’m reliable anyway? Is it just something in myself that matters, and doesn’t really matter to anyone else? Hrm.