Luna TailAnxiety, Dogs, and Life

Ugh… I woke up this morning and it was just so hard to wake up. My head felt thick and heavy. My neck hurt a bit, and all my muscles were tense.

I’m thinking the Zoloft is really finally having an affect on me, and it’s bugging me. Yup… takes me about a year to get used to something new and then really try to understand it. Okay I know, so I’m slow!

The Zoloft makes me a bit foggy in the head. I can’t concentrate as much, I can’t have those nice things I am not even going to talk about… my emotions are just not as sharp as they used to be. Yeah.. the anxiety and the PMS are a ton less, but I think I’m entering the phase where I think, if I stopped taking the meds, I’d be okay and I’d still be able to handle life.

So I guess it’s time to go and talk to the shrink. Maybe I can reduce my dosage a bit. I don’t like having no motivation during the day. And at night, sleeping with all my muscles so tense that my back and neck just hurt all day long.

Once I get up and get into a routine I’m better. But if I don’t have a goal, I’m kinda mush. And then I wonder if maybe I’m catching a cold, or if it’s emotional? I sometimes just don’t know what I feel.

Yup, it’s true… I admit it, I have limits. Ugh. I hate having limits. I swear, when I was a kid in my teens and twenties, I didn’t have limits. Time went by very slowly and I could do everything I wanted and have time to spare. What happened to those days?

I guess work happened, and a house happened, and dogs and a husband and bills and other things. Ugh. Well, I have to admit that I have limits. The flyball tournament last weekend really took me out. I’ve managed to get to work each day though, and today I think I’m finally feeling better, but I feel like I’ve been really neglecting my house and yard. And my husband, too, though he hasn’t said anything about it.

This weekend is 3 days of agility again, but the following weekend I have off. I was going to go visit my friend in Richfield but I think I have to realize that my house and home needs me and I really need to stay home and do some yard work and house cleaning. Hrmph. I just hate having to realize I have limits and not do some things I want to do!

Oh well, such is life I guess. I have monetary limits, too. I want a new HD Camcorder and more flash memory but I can’t afford it now. So I have to just use the one I have. =P

Ugh.. I couldn’t sleep last night. I laid there until about 1am. I finally turned on the radio, NPR, and they were saying it was 7am GMT. And my befuddled brain was wondering if we were actually -7 GMT now, or -6 GMT because it’s daylight savings time here.

Either way, I think my body is telling me to take a break. Last weekend really was hard on me doing flyball. Last night I was hot all night, even with the swamp cooler running and my feet sticking out of the blankets. Usually I have to have the blankets tight up on me when the swamp cooler is on at night. But last night my husband felt my forehead and told me yup, I was extra hot.

Tonight I was supposed to go to agility practice, tomorrow obedience practice. But my stomach is not right, either… I’m a bit nauseous. I think I need to take the next couple of days off and rest. I didn’t get much sleep last weekend, or last week. And my body is showing the signs. I don’t want to break down and get full-blown sick, so I think I’m going to take it easy the next couple nights. As hard as that is, as I love my dog things!

And I am eating better. The 2 pounds I was up yesterday are already gone. Though maybe some Leptovox would help me… I really just need to eat better. More veggies, less junk!

I’ve been thinking lately… that I think too much. This morning I got up and was planning to go jogging with the border collies. And while I’m in bed I start to weight the pros and cons of jogging… how nice and comfy and warm it is in bed, how it’s raining outside, but how it will be so good for the boys and healthy for me too… back and forth I go in my head thinking of what I want to do.

Then I just said to myself, quit it! Stop thinking so much! I know that jogging makes for a healthier me and healthier border collies. The Boys, Chase and Muffit, have so much energy they really need to work it off. And so I just decided that I really needed to stop thinking so much and go!

So I got up and went. The boys loved it, of course. While I was out there, again I kept thinking too much… about how far will I go, the rain is cold and unpleasant… and I had to shut myself up again and just do. Just be. Stop thinking.

And I have to be happy with myself, too. Happy with my body, happy with my skills, happy with my weight and not look at a list of best diet pills that might help me lower my appetite…

I just need to be. And do. And not think so much.

Fitting in with people is, to put it lightly, hard. When I was younger I used to think I could get along with just about anyone. As I get older, I am pickier, and I think I maybe I can tolerate anyone. But sometimes it’s just hard!

I missed out on a lot of social development when I was in my early 20s. Due to being filled with anxiety and fear and a lack of self confidence, I really didn’t develop friendships or learn how to keep friends. Grade School and High School didn’t help, either. Grade School I had the most awful ‘friends’, and in Jr. High one day one of my ‘friends’ decided to stop talking to me. So suddenly, mortified and humiliated, I was alone and friendless.

In my 20s I jumped from emotionally unstable man to emotionally unstable man until my divorce when I realized I needed to figure out what was going on with me, and why I was choosing such men. And yes, it was me, choosing such men. It wasn’t that all men are bad or awful. It’s that boy.. can I pick ‘em.

Anyway, so now that I’m much more comfortable with myself and confident, I’m being more social. But that is hard, too. And I don’t want to be clicky or snobby, but I am finding that some people I fit with better than others. Is that clicky? I don’t know. I think, though, it’s normal.

And so now, beginning my 40s, I’m trying to find out how to tell those I like and that I fit with, that I want to spend time with them. And tell those I don’t really fit with very well, to tell them that I don’t really want to spend time with them. Of course I can’t come out and say these things, it’s not socially acceptable… is it? And so I try to say it with actions.. and lately I’ve been screwing that up. But this subtlety escapes me and I’m trying to learn all the trickiness of how this works.

Without, of course, feeling hurt myself.. which I don’t do, because if someone doesn’t want to spend time with me, more power to ‘em I say. But I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. And I hope they will have the same attitude, more power to everyone else.

An old friend of mine, her mother used to say, “there’s no pot so crooked that a lid won’t fit.” So really, everyone will find people they fit with, right?

Ugh.. it’s just hard.
What do you do… how do you give clues to people you want to spend time with them, or you don’t?

Well this morning I gave a training class at work. I have to admit, it makes me feel responsible. Like I’m getting something done. And I will admit, too, that I’m rather proud of myself. There were ten people in the class, and I was only a little nervous.

A couple of years ago, and before the Zoloft, I would have been a wreck. Thank the gods for drugs.

And I also know the subject matter a lot more than I did just a year ago. Which definitely helps me. I didn’t even have to go in overly prepared like I did the first time I gave the training. I’m a programmer, not an accountant… so I ask the accountants, the students, what they want, and I can, pretty much, put something together.

So yup, I feel responsible, mature, and proud of myself that I can give a training class. Really, I never thought I’d be able to.

I’m going to Colorado tomorrow morning, too, so this might be my last post for the weekend. No Hilton Head rental for me, though, I’m staying at the cheap Motel in Colorado to do dog agility!

I went to an agility trial last weekend and I just had a couple of thoughts.

First one is… I can be very child like when I want someone to watch me, or know what I’m doing, or see the pictures of the necklace that I bought. I think children do this a lot.. and I wonder if, the more people do it as adults, the bigger the sign of immaturity it is? I think, sometimes, I do it too much.

And on a further note, I think it’s interesting when people talk and talk about themselves and hardly listen to other people. I think this, too, might be a sign of immaturity. Or maybe insecurity? People don’t know how to listen, or can’t sit in silence, and so just chatter on about any old thing?

Personally I like sitting in silence to a degree. And I like it when people don’t chatter on continuously. It rather bothers me. But I listen, because I’m am much better listener than I am talker, anyway.

Here on my blog, though, I chatter on, just about myself, on and on… and it’s the way I am able to satisfy this part of myself. LOL

Lately I have been thinking about my own frustration tolerance, as well as my husband’s. And, of course, the dogs.

See, my husband is not working right now. And he did take a Semester at the Salt Lake Community College, but he really didn’t like it. He had a hard time dealing with the instructors lack of knowledge, ineptitude, and being unorganized. I went to SLCC years ago to get my associate degree, and I understand how the instructors are. The adjunct instructors are better than the full time ones. But for me, I am just able to brush off the frustration level and get through it, because I wanted that piece of paper.

But my Husband has a harder time dealing with frustration. I think he has, in some areas at least, a lower frustration tolerance than I do. We both have social anxiety, which makes tolerating being around people harder. I work at it… keep doing it, and I am better. I’m also on meds for anxiety and oh boy, they help me a lot. He doesn’t want to go on drugs, he is afraid of their addictive nature. But this is not a post about that.

I think a good thing my parents taught me was to be able to just deal with frustration and let it slide off my back. Thus, I can work, and even if it’s a miserable day, I can get through it okay and go on to the next day. I can eat foods I don’t really like and tolerate them. Life is just life and can be pretty miserable sometimes. But most of the time it’s okay.

Many people, an couple of old boyfriends of mine for example, had very, very low frustration tolerance levels. To the point where they could not hold, and keep, a job. Little things would bother them so much they had to quit. Long customer lines, heavy lifting, coworkers that complained a lot. It’s interesting, to me, to see people with different frustration tolerance levels. I don’t think it means a person is bad, to have a low frustration tolerance. But I wonder if it’s a sign of a mental illness? Or is it an upbringing thing?

What are your thoughts on tolerating frustration? Can you tolerate a lot, or do lots of things bother you to the point that you have to remove yourself from the situation? Or are you somewhere in the middle? What is the ideal place to be?

Just an interesting thought.. at least I think so. Maybe I’ll have to find some adjustable beds to lay one and really think about this topic!

 Loading ...

Okay, I’ll jump in on this debate. I have found two posts on this already, and if you want to comment to add you link, feel free.

Lee Doyle
Seeking Shanti

Now this is a respectful debate… no flaming, or your comment will be deleted.

I am Pro Choice. I consider myself a liberal, and I’m also pro gay marriage. But this is about Abortion. I think women should have the right to do what they feel is best for their own bodies.

When Does Life Start?
I am not so much a person who debates when life starts, or does not. As a matter of fact, I think that most things are alive. And most beings are sentient. I don’t eat animals, because I do not, in any way, believe that we should kill another life to survive. It is no longer necessary. And I believe that animals, at least mammals, are aware of their own existence and have a full range of emotions just like human animals do.

So why do I think it’s okay to end the life of an unborn? Either human animal or other animal? Is the unborn alive? Perhaps. Either way, the quality of life for the unborn should be taken into consideration. First off, there are too many dang humans in this world anyway. Just like there are too many dogs that need homes. If one of my dogs became pregnant (which they won’t because they are all fixed) I would abort the pregnancy.

I eat plants. And I believe that an unborn is about as alive as a plant. I don’t think there is consciousness yet until just before birth. And so I think that the life quality of the being needs to be considered, as well as the timing of the abortion.

I will admit to you, I was pregnant once. Not many people know that. The day after I found out, I scheduled the abortion. The quality of life for that mass of sells in my stomach would have been awful aqt the time. This was about 14 years ago. I miscarried before I had the abortion, but I felt no guilt about scheduling it. I felt no remorse, and I think I would have felt no sadness or regret had I gone through with it. It’s a mass of cells, in my opinion, nothing more, nothing less.

Women need to be able to make the choice. 100% of the choice. They may be influenced by others, including the father, but it’s the woman’s ultimate choice whether she wants to have that mass of cells develop into a human or not.

Choice is Paramount
I honor, respect, and revere life. I think it’s an amazing thing, and very valuable. I also think choice is paramount. I am not religious in any way. I think we should treat others well because it’s the right thing to do. I don’t take any god into account when I say what I feel about being pro choice.

If Roe v Wade is overthrown, it would be awful. Women will have abortions anyway, in very bad conditions. And their health will be at risk. Keep it legal. It’s freedom of choice. We must have abortion stay legal.

That is my opinion.

I’m in Colorado and scheduled this post to go off while I’m gone, so as to keep my content going on this blog. So I won’t be dropping Entrecards either for a week, sorry about that!

Anyway, I woke up this morning, hating to have to wake up, thinking what is going on with me and why do I get to feeling miserable when most of the things in my life are good.

Why can’t I stop eating… why do I think I don’t get enough sleep, enough down time, enough… whatever. I often think that I just don’t get enough of things, food is one of them. And so I over eat.

And I sat there and thought really, the world is apathetic. The universe doesn’t care much about me. The food sits on the shelves, or on the plate, and doesn’t taunt me. I do it to myself.

I’m always trying to get five more minutes of sleep… that ends up at a half hour or so. I resent that I have to work, and not get to do what I want to do.

So I have to change my attitude. The world is not cheating me out of things. I am doing it to myself. I control most of my own world. I control all of my own thoughts and my own actions. I can, for the most part, have what I want if I work for it. That’s the great thing about our country, the USA. I am limited only by myself and the patterns that were drilled into me that are no longer working, and I need to change.

This is something I need to spend more time thinking about, too.