Luna TailAnxiety, Dogs, and Life

Fitting in with people is, to put it lightly, hard. When I was younger I used to think I could get along with just about anyone. As I get older, I am pickier, and I think I maybe I can tolerate anyone. But sometimes it’s just hard!

I missed out on a lot of social development when I was in my early 20s. Due to being filled with anxiety and fear and a lack of self confidence, I really didn’t develop friendships or learn how to keep friends. Grade School and High School didn’t help, either. Grade School I had the most awful ‘friends’, and in Jr. High one day one of my ‘friends’ decided to stop talking to me. So suddenly, mortified and humiliated, I was alone and friendless.

In my 20s I jumped from emotionally unstable man to emotionally unstable man until my divorce when I realized I needed to figure out what was going on with me, and why I was choosing such men. And yes, it was me, choosing such men. It wasn’t that all men are bad or awful. It’s that boy.. can I pick ‘em.

Anyway, so now that I’m much more comfortable with myself and confident, I’m being more social. But that is hard, too. And I don’t want to be clicky or snobby, but I am finding that some people I fit with better than others. Is that clicky? I don’t know. I think, though, it’s normal.

And so now, beginning my 40s, I’m trying to find out how to tell those I like and that I fit with, that I want to spend time with them. And tell those I don’t really fit with very well, to tell them that I don’t really want to spend time with them. Of course I can’t come out and say these things, it’s not socially acceptable… is it? And so I try to say it with actions.. and lately I’ve been screwing that up. But this subtlety escapes me and I’m trying to learn all the trickiness of how this works.

Without, of course, feeling hurt myself.. which I don’t do, because if someone doesn’t want to spend time with me, more power to ‘em I say. But I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. And I hope they will have the same attitude, more power to everyone else.

An old friend of mine, her mother used to say, “there’s no pot so crooked that a lid won’t fit.” So really, everyone will find people they fit with, right?

Ugh.. it’s just hard.
What do you do… how do you give clues to people you want to spend time with them, or you don’t?

Well this morning I gave a training class at work. I have to admit, it makes me feel responsible. Like I’m getting something done. And I will admit, too, that I’m rather proud of myself. There were ten people in the class, and I was only a little nervous.

A couple of years ago, and before the Zoloft, I would have been a wreck. Thank the gods for drugs.

And I also know the subject matter a lot more than I did just a year ago. Which definitely helps me. I didn’t even have to go in overly prepared like I did the first time I gave the training. I’m a programmer, not an accountant… so I ask the accountants, the students, what they want, and I can, pretty much, put something together.

So yup, I feel responsible, mature, and proud of myself that I can give a training class. Really, I never thought I’d be able to.

I’m going to Colorado tomorrow morning, too, so this might be my last post for the weekend. No Hilton Head rental for me, though, I’m staying at the cheap Motel in Colorado to do dog agility!

I am selfish now. Okay.. maybe compared to other completely selfish people, you can’t call me selfish. When I was seeing my therapist a year or so ago, I told her I was being selfish and she just laughed at me. Told me that no, I am not selfish, even though I might think I am for myself.

Why do I say I’m selfish now? Well, because I spent so many years, many many many years, living for someone else… usually a dysfunctional man, being codependent, that I didn’t do anything for myself. And now, I really feel like it’s all about me.

I do my own dog sports. I watch the TV shows and movies I want to watch. I travel when I want, clean my house when I want, go outside when I want, stay indoors when I want… and basically just do what I want to do.

Of course I do want to make sure everyone else around me is okay with it… LOL maybe that’s why I’m not truley selfish. And I really don’t like doing things like plumbing fixtures and home improvement, I prefer if my husband does them. But still, I really love living for me and making sure my own needs are met.

And my dogs fill my maternal instincts very well. I do hope my husband thinks I’m not too terribly selfish now. Because I do love him and want him to be happy, too. But for the most part, I love being selfish, and I’m going to keep at it!

I had a good weekend and I’ve been looking around at the people I admire. And I like to have those traits in me, and some of them I think I already have. So this is a self-esteem, self-promotion, ego post, if you will!

• I like the life I have built for myself.
• I like that I was able to fight and, for the most part, beat my codependency.
• I like to think that I am good at seeing the world as it is, not as I want it to be. Sure there are things I still see like I want them to, but I like to think I’m open to seeing things as they are.
• I like having an open mind.
• I like being liberal, and a democrat.
• I am secure in my sexual orientation.
• I like to think I know myself pretty well now.
• I love my husband.
• I love my dogs, and doing dog sports, and I’m so glad I finally did what I love!

I don’t like it when people put themselves down, and I try not to do it when someone gives me a compliment. Though that can be a hard thing to do. I need some alarm system monitoring to make sure I accept compliments and I know, and am proud of, my strengths!

At night I think about my story. My book. I have it 80% complete in my head. I think it’s a very good story and is, of course, something I am passionate about. It includes magic, my dogs, some gorgeous men, and a woman who is figuring herself out and finding her confidence.

This morning laying in bed I came up with a part of the story where the main character, Alyx, finally realizes her own strength. She is the most powerful mage in the land, and finally she accepts that inside herself. And it got me to thinking about how I am, and why I am not more confident in my own abilities.

Not perfect, mind. Being codependent I have this stupid fixation on perfection. But being strong and skilled and talented do not mean being perfect. I am a flawed human. At the same time, I can be good at things. And I can admit it to myself.

I never have admitted it to myself before.

I love to write. I believe I’m good at it. Good enough to get a novel published? I don’t know. Maybe I will self publish. I don’t really care either way. But I love stories and I love to write almost as much as I love my dogs. Oh wait! Let me ask that again… good enough to get a novel published? YES! And why not believe it? It can’t hurt. Won’t break my heart or destroy me if I never get published. The thing about that is writing can be so fickle. Is there a right way or a wrong way? If you go to school they will tell you yes. If you ask J.K. Rowling, she might tell you you are wrong. She never went to school. I’m not saying I’m as good… okay, well, maybe I am!

I have always had this nagging doubt inside me. I can’t be at the top. Can’t be good enough. I don’t know why I have this doubt. But it holds me back. I do think I have the potential to be one of the top agility handlers here in Utah. I think Chase, my border collie, has the potential to be one of the best dogs. I don’t want to go to nationals or be on the World Team, but I want to be good. And why not?

I have to get rid of this nagging doubt. I want to admit to myself that yes, I am good. I can be good. I want to be good. Go away you stupid voice that keeps saying no, I’ll never be good enough. GO FREAKING AWAY!

I want that swirl of magic as I finally learn to channel all the power I possibly can, and control it, then bring it down and not be wiped out by it. I miss my magic. I believe I once had magic, but don’t in this world. In this world, logically, there will always be someone better than me, as well as someone worse than me. So I won’t be the most powerful mage here. Or the best handler. But I can be good. I can, in fact, be very good, if I let myself.